It all starts with the premise: "love is not supposed to be selfish, is it?" What may initially unfold as a thing of benign nature, the act of "selflessness" and utter devotion, can and most likely will evolve into something malignant. And, before we can even recognize it, we're condemned, emotionally glued to something that once had a chance of becoming a healthy, loving relationship. It's a downward spiral from there. Breaking the vicious cycle of codependency is anything but easy, which is why therapy can be essential in breaking the cycle of and healing from codependency in a relationship.

Defining codependency

Let's state the obvious: codependency is a form of addiction; relationship addiction, to be precise. We can define it as a psychological condition where an individual acutely craves/needs a partner to reach a sense of completeness. However, if the need is not met, the individual will chronically feel an "insatiable void" and a lack of personal balance and purpose. The phrase "you complete me" isn't to be taken lightly, but literally. Codependent personalities usually have low self-esteem, act out with unhealthy behaviors, and their outlook on romantic relationships is often rather fatalism-driven. "I can't live without them" isn't open to interpretation. Additionally, these individuals always put their partners' needs and other people’s feelings on a pedestal and intentionally suppress their own needs, leading to resentment and chronic unhappiness.

Codependency signs

What causes codependency? This type of psychological behavior is often rooted in unfavorable childhood circumstances. It is a learned behavior stemming from dysfunctional family dynamics. Codependent behavior traits are usually developed as a response to childhood trauma, such as:

Neglect: the child was not given proper attention or support, and emotionally ambivalent parents failed to take care of the child and provide emotional security. Furthermore, it's tightly connected to abandonment issues.
Abuse: physical, sexual, or emotional.
Control: the child took on the caretaker role due to unstable household conditions (anger, addiction, violence, etc.).
Trauma: codependent behavior can develop from any traumatic event. In turn, the child feels vulnerable, inferior, and chronically threatened. This leads to mental health issues that will follow them throughout their life without help.

Signs of codependency in adults include:

ignoring personal needs, including physical health and own needs, and focusing on fixing or rescuing others
intense feelings of shame, guilt, perpetual worry, and anxiety
lack of self-identity, low self-esteem, and self-worth
perfectionism and self-criticism
people-pleasing and other unhealthy behaviors
acute fear of rejection or abandonment
lack of assertiveness and trouble with personal boundaries
biggest fear: disappointing others
tendency to be controlling and possessive

How therapy helps

Although some individuals may break out of the intricate, codependent pattern on their own, leaving behind the unhealthy mental health wiring and starting anew, to overcome codependency usually requires professional help. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is the preferred psychological treatment for overcoming a codependent relationship.

Self-awareness 101

If we're unwilling to dive deep into our own feelings and our own needs, codependency will continue to thrive as our primary way of living. Therapy can offer essential self-awareness: what once seemed so elusive, unknown, and yet forbidding in its shapeless presence can now be brought to light and, consequently – to rest. By working on expanding our self-awareness and gaining access to uncharted waters of our self-consciousness, we can finally delineate our wounds, thoughts, sensations, fears, behaviors, and other much-feared aspects of ourselves to help overcome codependency.

Rumination reset

Obsessive behavior is simply backbreaking, the involuntary, self-imposed confinement of perpetual anxiety, doubt, trepidation, and anticipation. Negative thinking patterns are detrimental to one's mental health. Therapy can help defeat the viciousness of self-imposed cruelty: "I'm not good enough." "I'm undeserving of love." "If they knew the real me, they would leave." – How long can one withstand auto-tyranny?

A therapist can help navigate the trauma-induced, false notions of self and create room for self-identity restoration, fragment by fragment. The goal of therapy is to free ourselves from ourselves. Therapy provides a safe space to explore and heal from trauma and set goals to put you on the path to recovery and provide a healthy relationship with yourself. You may discover through therapy the ability to begin anew, even if it means hiring movers and literally starting over. All of our therapists at Rapoport Psychological are warm, empathic, and collaborative and will work with you to establish short and long-term goals in all areas of your personal and interpersonal life. We want to help you feel better and be a priority in your own life.

Healing codependency

What should a codependent person do to achieve tangible progress? Healing from codependency is a long battle. Some days, it will feel like we're back to square one; auto-response relapse. And it will hurt. But, implementing healthy behaviors can help us navigate the psychological racetrack. Consistency is the key to overcome codependency.

Practice hints of selfishness

The very cognition of codependency can induce auto-disgust. You're clingy, and you're needy. You're human glue. But is it all that bad, really? Unlike the codependent polar opposites (the counter-dependent individuals, overly pseudo-independent) who fall on the narcissistic spectrum, this psychological behavior invites thoughtfulness, kindness, sensitivity, and empathy. Codependent personalities are intrinsically attuned to other people's moods and needs: from an objective perspective, how is that bad?

Additionally, codependent individuals are human scanners, auto-mode included. So, recognizing response patterns can help prevent the person from deviating off course. One can identify when the "overpleasing" persona takes the reins and pull the plug immediately. Instead, we can acknowledge it and administrate the antidote: practice "selfishness" by honoring our feelings, our wants, and our own needs.

The little things

Something as seemingly inconspicuous as:

practicing setting boundaries
clear, direct communication and assertive communication with a partner
recognizing negative thought patterns and shifting the mindset
learning to say "No"
opening up to situations where shame and guilt may emerge; Can it kill you? – Let it try.
steering away from berating oneself
making room for self-care and "me first" scenarios

Final thoughts

Overcoming a codependent relationship can be lengthy, riddled with self-doubt, and myriad ugly truths about our childhood. It's probably going to hurt. But will it be worth it? Well, is there a more beautiful thing for a human being to experience than to love freely and authentically? Unencumbered, truthful. – Hardly. Reach out today to one of our wonderful therapists to start your journey to overcome codependency.

Overcoming Codependency in Relationships through Therapy