Better boundary Setting for self-empowerment, thriving relationships, and work/life balance
Why does “boundaries” sometimes sound like a dirty word? We have a cultural misconception that setting or asserting a boundary is limiting. Or, that it creates distance between people or encourages disconnection. In truth, communicating a boundary is an act of love, respect, and care.
Boundary setting helps us sustainably care for both ourselves and others.
It’s common for people to feel comfortable communicating boundaries in some areas of their lives, yet perhaps still struggle with sticking to them in others. Across interactions with your:
boss
coworkers
your friends
a romantic partner
or members of your family
There may be certain contexts in which we feel more comfortable communicating our needs.
Boundary setting can take many forms
You may also find that there are certain types of boundaries that you nurture or overlook more than others. Consider the following list of categories of boundaries as a reflection tool to check in with your own needs.
Common kinds of boundaries:
Physical
Preferences we hold about our personal space, and preferences for touch. Do you like hugs or handshakes? Have your preferences changed as a result of COVID health guidelines? Do you worry about how to communicate these preferences with others?
Emotional Expression
Our level of comfort expressing our feelings with others. Do you like public displays of affection with friends or romantic partners? In what settings or with whom do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings? Do you like to have affirmations of privacy or confidentiality before you express your feelings to a friend?
Sexual
Preferences we hold about intimacy, touch, or sexual comments. Do you feel comfortable reflecting to yourself about what your areas of established interest, future curiosity, or firm disinterest are in terms of your sexual preferences? Does that comfort level change when you imagine communicating these preferences with a romantic or sexual partner?
Intellectual
Beliefs we hold about our thoughts, ideas, and curiosities. Do you feel safe sharing your thoughts with others? When someone disagrees with your perspective, is it challenging or straightforward to accept that they hold different views? Intellectual boundaries do not mean that we cannot disagree or take issue with the thoughts of others, but that we draw a boundary between these ideas and their worth as a person. Strong intellectual boundaries allow us to disagree and debate with one another without belittling one another’s inherent self-worth as people.
Mental Boundaries
These boundaries distinguish your values, opinions, and emotions from someone else's. If someone you interact with is having a bad day, do you feel your mood shift to match theirs? When a romantic partner expresses an opinion, is it easy to hold a different perspective or does your disagreement falter to support their point of view? If a friend isn’t ready to share their feelings after a fight, do you feel comfortable respecting how forthcoming (or not) they are with their feelings?
Financial Boundaries
Preferences we hold about how we earn, save, or spend our money. Have you ever sat down with yourself to look at your spending patterns, financial goals, or job satisfaction? Do you feel comfortable discussing how to split the rent, utilities, or checks after a dinner out with friends, family, or a romantic partner? When was the last time you met with a mentor to strategize about your career growth or with a boss to self-advocate for more appropriate benefits?
Time Boundaries:
These are limits we set with ourselves to juggle prioritizing multiple goals, relationships, or interests Do you feel comfortable saying “no” to a new work task, family obligation, or social invitation when you recognize that you can’t take on more responsibilities?
Tips for setting and sticking to boundaries
When reflecting on your past or current relationships with these categories of boundary setting, there may be items that resonate with you as areas of strength, and others that resonate as something uncomfortable or to be avoided.
Parents in particular are inundated with cultural messaging that we always have to put our children’s needs ahead of our own, every minute of every day.
When we de-prioritize our boundaries, we overlook our needs. Over time, we may experience burnout, resentment, loss of identity, low self-esteem, and negative impacts on our relationships or career performance.
To protect our well-being and thrive, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is critical, but might not feel easy or natural at first.
To practice better boundaries, consider the following tips:
Start small.
Using the guided reflection questions in this post, set small achievable goals to practice setting and sticking to boundaries in specific focus areas. Remember that the goal is sustainable change - don’t take on too much discomfort at once!
When Boundary Setting Communicate clearly.
Write out a script or practice setting limits, saying no, or giving yourself more time to think about what your needs are with a straightforward, “Let me get back to you on that.”
Practice.
Use your script to practice strong communication with a trusted friend to work through nerves and worries about asserting your needs.
Be consistent.
Consistent boundaries are strong boundaries that make it easier for you and others to understand how you like to be treated.
Prepare for pushback.
When boundary-setting, know that we can’t guarantee that everyone will immediately be on the same page or quick to adjust. Prepare for pushback, and be assured that hesitance or resistance to change from others doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong, or that you shouldn’t take care of yourself.
Boundary Setting Can Be Uncomfortable at First But is Well Worth It.
Even when we intellectually know that we should be prioritizing our own needs, goals, and health, sometimes past experiences, present stressors, and future worries may prevent us from doing so. For more structure and support in identifying your boundary strengths, areas of potential growth, and ways to practice honoring your needs, consider meeting with an online therapist in Manhattan today.
Your needs and boundaries are valid!
At Rapoport Psychological Services, we help you set and keep the boundaries that you need to stop overwhelm. RPS in Manhattan offers both in-person and online therapy in New York City, NY so you can receive support from the comfort of your home.
Schedule a free consultation
We’ll reach out within 48 hours to answer your questions and match you with the perfect in-person or online therapist!
Schedule your first appointment and learn how boundary setting can help you!
Other Services at Rapoport Psychological Services
Boundary setting can help us in multiple parts of our life. If you need support we can help. Additional services we provide include depression treatment, anxiety treatment, PTSD treatment and trauma therapy, testing services for ADHD, professional development, therapy for women, life transitions, coaching with Dr. Zoe, and group therapy. Lastly, we offer workshops on women’s empowerment, grief, mindfulness, and stress management. We really look forward to walking alongside you and hope you will take the next step and begin in-person or online therapy in New York!