Assertive communication for better relationships, career growth, and authenticity
Different types of communication can elicit different responses from those around us. There are 4 main communication styles that most of us fall into:
Passive
Passive-Aggressive
Assertive
Aggressive
Differences between aggressive and assertive communication
Assertive and aggressive communication are often confused with one another. This is because of how we as women have been socialized. True assertive communication is both empowering and respectful. Whereas aggressive communication is meant to shut down others.
Understanding where you fall on this spectrum of communication is essential if you want to adjust how you interact with others and improve your relationships across environments. You can learn more about your communication style by taking our free quiz. How you communicate isn’t only about what you say, but how you react to others and how you’re able to get your needs across to others. If others around you don’t know what you’re feeling or need, they can’t respond with compassion, support, or even constructive feedback.
Examples of Effective and Ineffective Communication Styles
Passive communicators not only fail to assert themselves in most situations, but they also tend to feel taken advantage of, stuck in roles that reinforce a sense of victimhood, and lack a sense of agency to make changes in their lives.
People who fall more in the Passive-Aggressive communication style may appear passive in what they say. However, they are really speaking through feelings of resentment, anger, and denial of the actual issue that needs to be addressed. This type of communication usually leads to alienating and confusing others. This is because what they say doesn’t match their emotional expression or even the reality of the situation.
Aggressive Communication is akin to bullying, whereby someone will express their needs in a way that does not leave room for compromise, collaboration, or other’s needs and opinions. Aggressive communicators tend to criticize, blame, and try to control others around them and interrupt frequently.
Assertive communicators are able to express feelings and needs respectfully and clearly while still being able to listen without interrupting others. They tend to feel connected with others and themselves. These people understand their own needs as well as have empathy for the needs of others around them. They address issues as they arise, minimizing feelings of resentfulness and anger, making room for others to do the same.
Benefits of Assertive Communication Training
Assertive communication allows you to make decisions for yourself with confidence and respect. It allows you to trust your intuition and to know that you are deserving of what you need while not violating the rights and needs of others
Learned passivity in girls and women
Most of us are raised to be passive in our communication as children, especially as young girls. We are constantly expected to be passive in school, at work, with friends, and even partners. Women are socialized from a young age to communicate passively, so any level of assertiveness can feel uncomfortable and aggressive instead of healthy and necessary. Women are socialized to address others’ needs before their own, leading to higher levels of burnout and feelings of overwhelm and resentment, which then leads to more passive-aggressive behavior in relationships
As a whole, society teaches us to value passive traits and behaviors over assertive traits and behaviors in women, leading to the judgment of ourselves and others for assertive or agentic behavior
Maybe you have experienced this about assertive communication…
Perhaps you have tried to be assertive only to be told to be “nicer”, “quieter”, “not make so much noise” or “make an issue of it”. You’ve probably seen other assertive women shot down, dismissed as “dramatic”, called a “bitch” either directly or behind their back for speaking up or even physically harmed by setting a boundary. You have definitely seen this in the news and all over social media as women are blamed for their own experiences when they do speak up. All of this reinforces a fear of being assertive.
Unfortunately, this behavior is learned
We learned this when we were young. This was then reinforced by ongoing gender norms and societal expectations. To really change it, you have to break those associations from the past, understand that everyone has been socialized the same way, and learn new ways of communicating with your peers, employers, and family. That is where assertive communication training or a women’s empowerment workshop can help.
In order for this to work, this also means you will have to learn to be uncomfortable sometimes when asserting yourself. Assertive communication training can help you, and realize that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing all the time. Sometimes it’s the only way to change and grow.
Start working on your confident communication now with assertiveness training in New York, NY
There are specific steps you can take to build your assertiveness and confidence by speaking up for yourself. If you start practicing these daily habits, you can drastically improve communication with the people in your life:
Positive self-talk and affirmations are crucial.
The little voice inside your head plays a significant role in your level of confidence. Use affirmations that remind you “I deserve to have my needs met” or “Boundaries are healthy and necessary” to help you boost your courage to speak up
Spend your time with people that lift you up and that you admire!
Authentic people that encourage you and accept you just the way you are will greatly influence your attitude and thoughts in a very good way.
Practice pausing before you respond to someone else.
We often say “yes” when put on the spot because we are, again, socialized to meet others’ needs before our own as women. This continues to lead to an imbalance in emotional work as well as more overwhelm. Instead of responding when you aren’t sure, try saying “I’ll need to think about that and get back to you”. You don’t owe anyone a “yes” without taking the time to think about how it will impact YOU first.
Make eye contact and stand tall!
Eye contact and body language convey confidence, even if you don’t feel it inside. So even if you’re shaky, sweaty, or intimidated, stand tall and look forward. You’ll likely feel empowered!
Practice what you want to say beforehand.
Having a list of points you want to be sure to address can help you stay focused when you get anxious or flustered. This holds true in any situation or environment. Avoid writing in paragraph form. It’s harder to glance at your actual points quickly when you need a confidence boost or reminder. Use bullet points or numbers. It will help you visually track your points and give you a better chance at remembering cues than long-form writing
See how it feels to say out loud, either to yourself or a trusted friend.
Once you actually say it, it’s much easier to say it again. The first time is always the hardest and scariest. Get it out of the way before the real thing and you’ll be able to jumpstart your confidence and memory when you need it most.
Change Can Start As Soon As You Decide To Take The Next Steps
If you’re ready to be heard and change the way you communicate, it’s never too late to start instilling new habits and behaviors with assertive communication training in New York, NY. Practice one new thing each day for 30 days and see how quickly it starts to feel normal, healthy, and empowering.
Remember, you CAN NOT please everyone nor can you control what they think of you by being extra accommodating or “nice” at your own expense. Most people see you as you relate to them first, so if you are accommodating, they just see you as not having needs. By being passive you are communicating that you do not have boundaries, basically giving people permission to continually ask you for more.
You communicate as much with what you DON’T say as with what you do say. Isn’t it better to control your own narrative and be in charge of yourself?
Final Thoughts on Assertiveness Training and Communication
There are many women experiencing the same readiness and struggle to be more assertive in their daily lives. Once you start talking about it, you’ll be amazed at how many women feel the same way and just want an invitation to join you in your journey to empowerment.
There are also many women who have started and taken this journey and are ready to help, either through empowerment, communication, or leadership coaching, as well as therapists who specialize in helping you find your voice and pushing mast fears of being judged, not liked, or “rude”.
Remember, the way you speak to yourself and others has power. If you’re ready to strengthen your communication and confidence, don’t hesitate to invest in your growth the same way you invest in your physical health.
Join our upcoming Assertive Communication Workshop, starting May 31, 2022 and start your empowerment journey!
Talk with an online therapist or empowerment coach in New York, NY about how to make these changes today.
And do so in ways that feel comfortable for you. RPS in Manhattan offers both in-person and online therapy and coaching packages in New York, NY so you can receive support from the comfort of your home.
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